June 29, 2021

 

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Ernest's 35th Birthday

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Mother's Day 2019

August 13 International Left-handers Day

Lefties about column A

Ernest YangApril 17, 2006

I have more to say on this issue, but I just broke my leg using this right-handed keyboard.

These are the types of fears that lefties have to live with every day.

Or, more realistically, what if an F-16 crashes on top of me?

I mean, what if tomorrow I'm walking home from class and BAM, I get attacked by a rhinoceros? But with 3,000 lefties dying every year due to accidents with right-handed implements (this is true), I live in constant suspense.

In fact, many great scientists have been left-handed, like Jay Leno -- who invented the chin -- and a bunch of other people whose names I can't remember. But he was left-handed. Benjamin Franklin, on the other hand, was not a communist, at least not to my knowledge.

They are communists. Don't listen to these people. Some people would argue that there are even more right-handed dominant athletes. Some of the most dominant athletes of our time have played left-handed, like Steve Young, Jimmy Connors and Randy Johnson. It's not all bad for lefties, however.

Also, two left-handed people couldn't get married, even if they loved each other, which sparked a round of protests over illegal immigration. Social pressures led many lefties to pretend like they were right-handed, leading to a lot of crashed F-16s. In ancient times, like the 1970s, left-handedness was considered evil and immoral.

But that's okay, because then they'll be able to use their left hands to drink from their left-handed mugs. This means that lefty pilots of F-16s, which cost upwards of $20 million each, are flying with their weaker hand on the joystick. I say this because joysticks on fighter jets like the F-16 are exclusively configured for right-handed pilots.

Infinitely more useful than, say, a left-handed F-16. That's what we lefties need! A left-handed mug! So as I stood there gazing upon the left-handed mugs before me, the sheer necessity of this invention was almost enough to bring tears to my eyes (and not the happy kind).

This is, of course, intolerable. Apparently, when a left-handed person uses the standard mug, the little picture on the mug actually ends up facing away from that person. Wrong. I mean, it's just a ceramic cylinder with a handle attached, right? Up until this point, I'd always figured mugs could be used by either hand. The first things I noticed were the left-handed mugs.

So I headed down to the market, located in the town of Pike Place, and took a look around. I recently heard of a store at Pike Place Market with products specifically for lefties, and being a responsible journalist and bored (but mostly bored) I decided to go check it out.

This is a problem for us lefties, because there are certain things we need to use in our everyday lives that are designed for right-handers and could be very dangerous for a left-handed person to use, like cell phones and fighter jets (more on that later).

When you're left-handed, everything in the world tends to be backward.

Another Mother's Day